Encrotchment WEEK 5 with Eddie Gobbo

Elle King, you’ve had three boyfriends. Relax.

A Dolphin Caught in a Tuna Net

My lead story this week starts with me waking up in a panic on Sunday morning at 10:55 a.m. CT sharp. I checked my phone to see how many Ubers I was accidentally charged for the night before (only two), to see that the Miami/New York Jets game had already started. This meant I was missing value football time. I ran to my television.

This game was in London, which means it has to start early, so the fans can drink more. Do the math: If a game starts at 9 a.m., and tailgating begins five hours before that, like most NFL games, that’s a 4 a.m. drink start time. Of course, there’s that whole time zone thing, which literally contradicts everything I just said.

The Dolphins are no strangers to London and its negative effects. Almost one year ago to the date, the Fins traveled there to play the then 0-4 Oakland Raiders. They beat the Raiders, resulting in the firing of then-Raider head coach Dennis Allen.

Dolphin coach Joe Philbin was in a similar hot seat headed into this year’s London trip with a 1-3 record. The jury was no longer out on Philbin. He was a highly touted offensive coordinator in Green Bay, won a Super Bowl with the team, and was supposed to be the coach of this team for years to come. The thing that constantly allowed Philbin the benefit of the doubt was his team lacking talent. But this season Philbin had talent on both sides of the ball. Such talent chose to play unmotivated, uninspired football through the first part of the season, Sunday being no exception (27-14, Jets).

Philbin was fired as head coach on Monday afternoon.

Other than the losses, I think there were two incidents that really were the icing on the cake to Philbin being ousted. The first was Ndamukong Suh’s unproductive play. He is now four games deep in Miami without a sack, and is probably about 13 weeks away from demanding a trade. The Suh problem is simple, and Philbin is responsible for it: When you pick up a grade A free agent, you should be hiring him literally to do the exact job he did at his previous team. Whatever job it was, he obviously did it well. Suh in Detroit did nothing but wreck shit in front on him. He wasn’t a finesse player. He didn’t line up in odd formations on the outside, like the Fins had have had him do his first four games. He just went straight ahead and destroyed. And he did a good job. A really good job. Oh, by the way, Week 4 marked the second time Suh has kicked a player in the head in the first month of the season.

Can someone make a shirt that has a blank head on it that says “Your head here” with a huge cleat that says “Suh” kicking it?

The second incident that didn’t help Philbin’s case came with the help of QB Ryan Tannehill in practice this past week. Philbs has been thrown under the bus since his tenure began as having an undisciplined team (I don’t need to go in to specifics, I’m sure). When your franchise QB’s lack of leadership qualities hit the press, it’s never good.

Tannehill had one of his textbook horrible practices on Saturday. His practice squad forced multiple turnovers. Instead of congratulating them and directing the negative energy toward himself, Tannehill ripped the squad, most notably with the quote, “Enjoy your practice squad paycheck, enjoy your practice squad trophy.” Oh Ryan, everyone knows there will be no trophies for anyone involved with this team this year.

It’s being reported that Philbin actually defended Tannehill, pulling the practice squad aside and telling them to take it easy on the QB, as to not shatter his confidence.

Again, Philbin was fired Monday.

I think this whole incident can be summed up with this tweet from Shannon Sharpe (which will take the place of my “Are You There…” segment this week), which contains a mind-blowing four — count them, four — sentence fragments.

Different Shit. Same Toilet.

If you watched Monday Night Football this past week, you probably had an embolism like I did at the end of the Lions/Seahawks game.

The Artist Formally Known as Megatron fumbled at the one-yard line and the ball proceeded to be batted out of the end zone by Linebacker K.J. Wright. The rule on the field was a touchback, giving Seattle the ball back with 1:51 left on the clock and a three-point lead. Minutes after the game, a livid old man, and ex-NFL official, expressed his anger on what he claims was a missed call. When most livid old men express their anger, I usually tune out. For this one, I actually listened and recorded it for your enlightenment

Detroit minimally had a game-tying field goal coming their way, but in actuality should have had first and goal at the half-yard line.

This officiating misstep NOT ONLY changes the trajectory of the Seattle Seahawks’ season, who are now an underwhelming but afloat 2-2, but also puts a nail in the coffin for the Detroit Lions, who now sit at 0-4.

The NFL needs to change something regarding officiating in the final two minutes of every game. The NFL must allow all officiating to be reviewable in the last two minutes. There needs to be delayed calls that can come in from New York headquarters that usurp the ruling on the field if necessary. This includes anything from missed holding calls, improper changes of possession, missed pass interference calls, and so on. Or, if the game is on a fast-paced drive, the plays can roll on, but have the right to be negated if further evidence comes to light after plays have been run after that.

Simply put, in a 16-game season, we can’t have a team lose a single game based on a mistaken call on a final drive. Frankly, it’s the time when the refs are at their most vulnerable. They’re tired. The game is at its highest pace more times than not. And at the end of the day, they’re human.

I’m done with this. Not fucking happening again on my watch. Not as long as I’m running the show.

Hire me, NFL.

Wish I Was a Wishkah

Remember when Del Preston cracked under the pressure of Waynestock and went completely mental?

Reminds me of Philip Rivers this year with the underwhelming team of roadies he’s trying to lead to the playoffs.

Dude, Rivers is losing his fucking mind. Check out this play call this past week in the knock-down, drag-out 30-27 win over the Cleveland Browns.

Rivers yells instructions at every player on the line, recalls the play about six times, spins out, and throws a dead-on rope to a guy on the sidelines. Rivers seems rewarded from the reception with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Don’t be surprised if he distributes Sinai capsules to be placed under the tongue before this week’s Monday night game against the Steelers, who are coming off a heartbreaking loss against the Ravens in overtime this past week.

At Green Bay the following week, followed by the Raiders after that. Their bye week isn’t till week 10, at which point Rivers can take a much-needed mental health trip to Sri Lanka, formally Ceylon.

Girl Talk

Yes, this is a football column, but I occasionally like dipping my chocolate in my peanut butter. Here at Decibel Magazine, we are not only huge metal Fans and football fans, but we’re also huge baseball fans.

Take managing editor Andrew Bonazelli, for example, who’s creaming himself over his New York Mets being in the postseason. He’ll probably be hired as the manager of the Washington Nationals during the offseason. Fucking sellout.

I’m a Cubs fan, and I’m knocking back an Old Style right now in honor of their Wild Card win over the Pittsburgh Pirates, whose fans will surely have water cooler talk all off season over that loss (wink wink).

The reason I’m addressing baseball in a football column is why most men do stupid shit in their lives: Over a Woman.

In Tuesday night’s Yankees/Astros Ppayoff game, a woman named Jessica Mendoza became the first female ever to call color in an MLB playoff game. She’s an amazing color commentator, by the way, and completely deserving of her role.

This is a huge leap forward for female broadcasters in the sports world. Doris Burke occasionally calls NBA playoff games, but MLB is different. There are WAY less playoff games in MLB than the NBA. Easily paralleled to the NFL in this case, which I feel will ultimately be next on the docket with a female broadcaster in the booth, as opposed to the sidelines. I’m a huge fan of Sunday Night Football sideline broadcaster Michele Tafoya, who I feel will ultimately be the one to take the leap, once Al Michaels or Cris Collinsworth retire sometime within the next decade, OR one has to go to a wedding, which often occur on Sunday nights. Just kidding. Rich people only have weddings on Saturday nights.

Kings of Shit Mountain

Speaking of rich people, someone with a massive bankroll is behind the Fantasy Football gambling cults known as Draft Kings and Fan Duel. Their advertising is EVERYWHERE. My money’s on Dan Bilzerian.

“If I ever play fan duel just kill me,” was a text I received at 4:21 this past Sunday from my friend and St. Louis Rams fan Mike Buha.

And I will kill him, you have my word on that.

I find Draft Kings the doucheier of the two for a couple reasons:

The first is that their name reminds me of the rouge porn company Reality Kings, which focuses on two pervs forcing “everyday girls” to have sex in public and stuff like that. Trust me, you’re not missing anything except the extra shower that comes with watching it.

The second is the fact that Draft Kings say literally every two seconds in their commercials, “There’s no season-long commitments,” which obviously is geared to lure the male douche clientele who like to “play the field” in their everyday life.

Douches of America: If some girl ACTUALLY likes you, put a ring on it. Your mother, contrary to what she tells you, will not be around forever to cook your meals and wash your tracksuits.

Hopefully, when we eventually move in to World War III following a Donald Trump presidency and reinstate the actual draft, we can take the list of anyone who’s signed up for Draft Kings and send them over first.

My Boyfriend’s Girlfriends

Score one for the Football WAGS of America.

This week, Giants WR Victor Cruz’s fiancée stole his IPhone. She proceeded to send a group text to all 202 gals in his phone, all of which she assumed were having an affair with her husband. Here’s the awesomely bad text.

Reminds me of the time I accidently texted, “I’m horny” to my mother, which I assure you was not a text meant for her.

Me thinking on my feet, I quickly sent the follow up text “*hungry.”

I got the meal of my life that night.

The REAL in Montreal

And finally this week, known psycho and conspiracy theorist Randy Quaid, pictured below the picture of Rick Rubin, was arrested this week in Montreal for, you know, being him.