Encrotchment With Eddie Gobbo From Jar’d Loose: Week 6

The weird guy in the GOTHAM commercials: Who is he? I don’t want to watch the show. I just want to know who he is. The Joker?

Eagles of Death Metal

So, we are six weeks into the season. I think it’s safe to say the Broncos are the toast of the AFC, even though I think Philip Rivers is the league’s MVP at this point. But what about the NFC? Is it really the 3-2 Seahawks? We crowned them as 2014-2015 champs after watching them dismantle the Packers in Week 1. Since then, though, the Hawks are 2-2, and–interesting stat–have given up just as many points in that four-game stretch as they’ve put on the board. That doesn’t sound like a team that should have a clear road to the Super Bowl this year. Even though Seattle has been there/done that, I’d have to say the Eagles are this years NFC team to beat six weeks in. After that 27-0 beatdown against the Giants this past week, a game everyone thought would be MUCH closer, it’s clear that Philly is clicking on both sides of the ball. Reminds me of the Seahawks last year.

When my boys in psych death metallers Pyrrhon came through Chicago this week, I hit them up to talk to football. Since they’re based out of Brooklyn, I was praying that these dudes would be Giants fans. I’ve been dying to discuss my favorite NFL coach, Tom Coughlin, with someone. But the Pyrrhon boys are Brooklyn transplants by way of the Philly suburbs, so I suddenly found myself with guitarist Dylan DiLella on Broad Street with a couple cheesesteaks.

For the record, I’ve been to Brooklyn a bunch of times. Never once have I seen or heard anyone mention anything about sports. I once booked a Brooklyn band where a dude was wearing a Charlotte Hornets Starter cap from 1992, but I think that was just irony. Dylan agreed that the Brooklyn music scene as a whole doesn’t give a fuck:

“Honestly… musicians I know in New York City don’t watch football. Sometimes we even get made fun of for being football fans. I feel it’s just that the people we know in New York City just aren’t into sports. The metal scene in New York is on the artsier tip.”

I get that being from Chicago. But at the end of the day, even the hipsters here watch the Bearz with their librarian-looking girlfriends. If they don’t, we just kick their ass.

Anyway, if the season were to end today, the Eagles’ Chip Kelly would be coach of the year, most likely. More importantly, it seems like Eagles fans are 100 percent behind this dude, unlike his predecessor, Andy Reid.

“I love Chip Kelly. Last year he surpassed everyone’s expectations. It’s a contrast to the long tenure of Andy Reid. A lot of Eagles fans hate on Andy Reid. That’s kind of how things go in Philly. It doesn’t seem like Kelly will get the same amount of flak. There isn’t that divisiveness there like when Andy Reid was in town. I think it’s because [Kelly’s] a very thoughtful, forward-thinking person.”

If you haven’t checked out the Patton Oswalt film Big Fan, you should. It’s about a New York Giants fan who almost murders an Eagles fan, among other things. Now as a Bears fan, I know my rivalry bread is buttered with the Packers. I’ve always been confused on the NFC East and how they see their rivals. So, before I parted ways with Dylan, I had to ask, who hates whom in that division of his?

“It’s got to be the Cowboys. Everyone just hates Dallas. That’s pretty much what it boils down to.”

You know that thing called Thanksgiving? Well, Dallas and Philly clash for the first time this year on that glorious day. Dallas is currently playing amazing football, and the Eagles are doing the same. I expect these teams to be on a collision course until then.

Check out Pyrrhon here and buy their new album, The Mothers of Virtue, out now on Relapse .

Brownies Are Ready!

They look good. They smell good. They’re gonna be better than the cupcakes they’ll see the next three weeks. And after that, Josh Gordon is coming over to put weed in them! Somebody call the Playoffs and tell him not to ring the doorbell and come around back.

Making Out With Your Hot Sister

This week, everyone collectively cried when the Cincinnati Bengals and Carolina Panthers game ended in a tie, 37-37. I hate when people throw shade on NFL overtime rules. They are actually unbelievably appropriate, and lead to potentially interesting scenarios in playoff races.

For example, say the Bengals are leading their division at the end of the season. What if the aforementioned Browns rack up a lot of wins and give chase? Unless the Browns themselves tie a game this year (or Cincy does it again), the division will not be decided by any tiebreakers, only by wins and losses.

Also, lets imagine this scenario: the Browns have a half-game lead in the division on the last day of the year after they play their game and win. Cincinnati holds all tiebreakers. By chance, the Bengals game goes into overtime. If it’s half way through overtime and neither team has scored; wouldn’t it make sense for the Bengals to just try to run out the clock and play a prevent defense, making sure the other team doesn’t score, getting another tie and winning the division through a tiebreaker?

Also, the next time an NFL player says at the end of a football game they played in, “I didn’t even know a game could end in a tie,” we should kill him. Learn the fucking rules of the game you’ve devoted your life to playing! It takes two seconds!!!

You Weren’t Outplayed. You Were Out-fucking-fanned

Let me take the time to explain the golden rule of attending football games: If your team is playing at home and you are at the game, it’s your responsibility to go as apeshit as you can. Get drunk. Sniff glue in the parking lot. Whatever you gotta do. If you happen to play a team whose fans travel well and infiltrate your stadium, it is your duty to defend your house.

This week, the Raiders played the Chargers in Oakland. The Raiders fans know this year is over for them (they haven’t won a game yet). They also know that San Diego, one of the best teams in football, plays in the same state as them, and has loyal fans in a close proximity. So, what do they do when the Chargers come to town? Pack their stadium and cheer for the Raiders like it’s the Super Bowl. The Raiders still lost. But on the final drive, when the Chargers gained their final lead of the game, the stadium sighed in failure. You could hear a pin drop when the dust settled. A saddened stadium full of fans of their 0-5 heroes. This is why Raiders fans are great football fans.

Meanwhile, in Atlanta, something different happened. The Bears and Falcons entered the game literally in the same boat. They had the same record. They are both extremely talented and, thus far, underachieving, teams. To say both teams needed that win would have been an understatement. Atlanta’s huge advantage: the game was in Atlanta! So, what do the Atlanta fans do? You guessed it: show up and get muscled around by a bunch of Bears fans that live a million miles away. If you looked at the crowd during that game, you would have seen a lot of Bears fans. Probably about a 75/25 split between Falcons and Bears fans. You would have thought by the noise and crowd reaction, though, that the crowd was about 80 percent Bears fans. During the fourth quarter on a pivotal third down, Bears DEJared Allen started motioning to the crowd to make noise. And guess what, the crowd made noise and helped the Bears get a defensive stand. At one point, a commentator that wasn’t Joe Buck said, “Are we in Atlanta or in Chicago?” Hotlanta fans: You have a great team. If you can’t cheer at a game, don’t go to it. Your team needed you and lost several pivotal downs on both sides of the ball because you dogged it.

I knew the Falcons fans were softies. However, I thought I was hallucinating when I heard the uproar of cheers in Seattle this week when DeMarco Murray rushed for a touchdown to take the lead with 3:15 left in the fourth quarter. Then a couple minutes later I heard chants of “De-fense” on Seattle’s last drive. The icing on the cake was when Rolando McClain intercepted an over-the-middle pass to ice the game, and the crowd went ballistic. Dallas fans, the support you have for your team during thick and thin is commendable. You, and only you, thought your team had a shot at upsetting Seattle, and you repped hard in that hellacious stadium, proving you deserve every bit of your 5-1 record. As for you, 12th Man, you better check your people. Next time don’t show up with 10 guys and a blow-up doll.

Bad Times, Rams Times

So, St. Louis Rams coach Jeff Fisher had a great Monday night. Not only did he roll up to a game in his home stadium honoring a St. Louis Rams team that beat his Tennessee Titans in the 2000 Super Bowl by a yard; his team lost a game they had an early 14-point lead in by giving up 24 unanswered points and a pick six to end the game. What do you do for an encore: anally rape his mother while pouring sugar in his gas tank?

Are You There, Austin? It’s Me, God.

Better Coach: Jeff Fisher or Gordon Bombay?

Chug of War

And finally this week, I just want to say that I fucking hate hanging out with my friends’ bands from Boston. They always only want to talk Celtics and Bruins. WHY, WHY NO PATRIOTS?! When Boston’s inAeona came through Chicago this week, whooped ass at a show, and crashed with me after, we started talking sports. I immediately thought to myself, “Crap, here comes a conversation about Rondo and Chara for an hour.” When singer/guitarist Bridge Laviazar told me about an interesting article she read about Tom Brady this past week, I perked up like a rooster.

The article was written by ex-Patriots lineman Ross Tucker. Tucker tells an interesting story about Brady’s involvement in a beer-chugging contest back when he was on the team. Check it out here. It’s a fun little read because it shows Brady in a light that NFL fans frankly never put him in. Brady is the pretty boy of the NFL. He’s on the high-profile team. He has the super-dooper model wife. He advertises high-end watches, not Wranglers or Papa John pizzas. He grows a beard and long hair and we act like he’s playing a part in a movie. At his core, though, I’ve always seen Tom Brady as a badass. Also, the “pretty boy” persona I’ve always found to be hilarious. Is it me, or is basically every NFL QB a borderline male model? The ugliest one is probably Eli Manning, and I’m sure none of y’all girls would kick him out of bed. Unless you’re a Patriots fan…

Pick of the Week

Indy -3 vs. Cincy