We’re still nursing hangovers from the Decibel 50th issue party at Johnny Brenda’s last weekend. We can’t even remember when Julie Christmas and Cooper of Made Out of Babies and their close pal Laura Pleasants of Kylesa had time to defile these plastic babies, but we’re in the business of passing totally bizarre shit on to you, gentle readers. You want these one-of-a-kind autographed kewpie dolls? You gotta work for ‘em! Record yourself doing your best Julie Christmas scream and send evidence to deciblog@yahoo.com. Entries are due by December 15, 2008. Bonus points will be awarded for length, quality and the inclusion of words. Go ahead: Terrify us!

South Pole Dispatch columnist/ Mountain Goats mainman John Darnielle challenged readers to “remaster” the album art for Black Sabbath’s Master of Reality on the Deciblog last month. The prize: a copy of John D’s new book about Master of Reality for Continuum’s 33 1/3 series. Advance tip: it rules! And so do the winners that he picked out after sorting through the contest submissions:

Winner!
Drew Poole
Tariffville, CT

Runner-up!
Oliver Scott
Phoenix, AZ

The price of indecisiveness? Both of these lucky guys get a copy of the book. But the winner gets “bragging rights.” And maybe an autographed head shot of Decibel customer service rep/ teevee star Mark Evans. We’re working on that last part. Nice job, dudes!

[Special thanks to Claire Heitlinger and David Barker at Continuum for arranging the prizes]

The purple-and-grey-on-black color scheme of Master of Reality is so iconic one can’t really imagine it being otherwise. Or is it?

Remaster Reality’s album cover and win a copy of John Darnielle’s new book about this doom touchstone for Continuum’s 33 1/3 series. Just dream up your alternate color scheme, freehand-and-photograph-and-scan or photoshop it, and send it along to the Deciblog at deciblog@yahoo.com by April 12, 2008. That’s right — you’ve got a whole month to get those genius juices flowing and there will be multiple winners!

John will judge the entries personally, ruthlessly, and through a very penetrating lens of icy doom-o-vision. The decision of the judge is final, but if you didn’t already know that, you probably didn’t like Sabbath to begin with, so mellow out. Extra credit is possible, but we’re not gonna give you any ideas. All right now, as Ozzy would say: try it out!

Eugene Robinson threw down the gauntlet on the Deciblog earlier this month and challenged readers to write an essay about the most terrible thing that’s ever happened to them or a song extolling the virtues of the esteemed Oxbow frontman/ Decibel contributor. Some of the essays we received were too damn depressing to reprint here; some of the songs kicked so much ass that it made choosing tough. After reviewing all of the submissions, Mr. Robinson has declared a winner and a runner-up:

Winner!
Kevin Sheets, Hebron, IN
“Eugene The Fightmaster, From Whom a Mere Glance Can Set Churches Ablaze”

Runner-up!
Ian Morris, Santa Rosa, CA
“Eugene”

In case you’re wondering: these musical geniuses also play in their own bands! Check out our winner’s one-man metal project Corpses of Wolf Lake and our runner-up’s electric wizardry in Alab.

Oxbow frontman / Decibel contributor/ Renaissance man Eugene S. Robinson wants you to read all about ass-kicking in his new book Fight. An early review of the book in The Boston Phoenix hailed Robinson as “Bouncer Lit’s Norman Mailer,” but made no mention of our intrepid reporter’s sexual prowess. We’re not worthy, but Robinson has taken pity on us anyway and has decided to send a personalized, autographed copy of Fight to one lucky Deciblog reader. Sound awesome? Ah, but you have to work for it!

To win a copy of Fight, you must:

1) Submit a 500 word essay about the most terrible thing that’s ever happened to you. For our amusement. Extra points for telling us how many people you’ve ever slept with [and, NO, oral sex does not count].

OR

2) You must write, perform and record a song extolling the virtues of Eugene Robinson in total. The song must include his name and no fewer than THREE acts of some high-minded significance that he’s been responsible for [stealing your woman...who you really didn't want anyway, same with your car....and your wallet]. Email an MP3 and yes, we’ll be the judges of how good it really is.

Please send your entires to decibelfight@yahoo.com by Thursday, 12/20/07. Now move it!