Javelina & Whores - Brooklyn, NY, 01/04

Another awesome show at Saint Vitus. This was a Brooklyn Vegan / Brutal Panda event, and you got to love them BP boys. Philly's heavy rockers Javelina headlined, plus Atlanta's latest excellent development, Whores, plus some openers. For eight bucks: not bad. Factor in a pint of Fleischmann's whiskey and some pounders of Bud, and you're looking at a good night. Until you factor in the leftover cocaine that you were just blowing at Peter Steele's grave, celebrating his birthday with the Green Man himself. Suddenly it's a great night. You can't write that shit. Psychic Teens opened. It was like the Tea Party. Or the Birthday Party? Or Joy Division? I don't know. For what appeared to be some nerds with instruments, it wasn't bad.

I Missed the next band, but I heard they copped out on their Luchador masks. Lame.

Whores sounded great, and their Ruiner EP is a ten. That's why I am so glad that this video exists. Watch the drummer. He's upfront, sideways, just twirlin' them jawns. That's some 80's-type showmanship. He leans back, too, like he's driving a lowrider through time. It's refreshing when a trio has the common fucking sense to get the drummer up front so he can air out the rock.

And of course, Javelina brought their own furious brand of metal, piping hot, fresh out of the Buzzov*en. (Don't worry, I already shot myself.) And I'd like to give a special thanks to Greg Cristman from Brooklyn Vegan for taking that mind-blowing picture of Chubbs. I plan on putting Chubbs in many psychedelic situations.

I was going to review this show more in depth, but as I was swiping these pictures, I noticed that the top ten comments from the Brooklyn Vegan post actually do a better job than I was going to do...

10. "A big fat tub of shit slob hillbilly sausage. Must be a big hit over at Saint Vitus. Disgusting. End Fat Rock." (Christ, and that's the first post! These hipsters are seething.)

9. "Just foul. The BOH really should shutdown Saint Vitus. I think I got a staph infection just looking at these pictures." (This idiot has obviously never had a Staph Infection - you can't get it through the computer.)

8. "Whores have nice cute rocker outfits." (Got to admit: I thought the same thing.)

7. "Another bacon party." (Metalheads love bacon.)

6. "Do people actually buy shirts that say 'whores' in big bold letters?" (Yeah, and it goes in the closet next to their Fucked Up shirt.)

5. "Dude in the first pic could probably fit a large sausage in his mouth." (???)

4. "Needs more hammered dulcimer." (At least that's constructive.)

3. "These dudes need to get hooked on oxycodone already and stop pretending they're artists." (Pill joke. Harsh. In light of...uh...Phil Anselmo...I guess that's a low blow.)

2. "Relax Tim Gunn. Only gay men care about how fat other men are." (Wow. I think my new catch-phrase is: "Relax, Tim Gunn.")

1. "I honest-to-god can't tell metal dudes apart. Doesn't the guy in the top picture look like the guy in The Body?"

(Next post) "Only if Bruce Villanch is in the Body now."

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