Shortly after our trip to the Slave Pit to bring you this month’s GWAR cover story, we sent foul-mouthed front-cretin Oderus Urungus a few follow-up questions via email. Here’s what he told us between long, suffocating hits from his trusty crack pipe: GWAR has been threatening to exterminate the human race for 25 years now, and yet the planet is still overrun with people. What gives?
I’ll tell you what gives: The humans enjoy fucking each other more than killing. Despite AIDS, war and Justin Bieber, we can’t seem to exterminate you faster than your ability to come crawling out of whatever diseased and rancid womb you and your sickening ilk were spawned in after your homeless whore of a mother was raped by your priest/cop dad. Plus, we have sworn to use only hand weapons and that doesn’t include AKs. If only you had one collective neck!
According to legend, you’re roughly 43 billion years old. What was your favorite year, and why?
To say that I had a favorite year would be to imply that I actually enjoyed something, and we simply can’t have that. I could tell you my least favorite year, which would be 1945. It started promisingly enough with Auschwitz and A-bombs until unexpectedly peace broke out, ending the biggest party in history!
You’ve appeared on Fox News’ Red Eye over a dozen times now. How do you resist the urge to rape and kill everyone there?
I don’t resist; I indulge. That shit just happens off-camera. The first time I was there, I stump-fucked Glenn Beck in the neck, but found out that they just grow new ones in the basement.
Do you have a punishment system for the Slaves if they get out of line? How does it work?
I don’t sully my paws with the slaves unless of course I feel like it, and they don’t need to do anything wrong to get punished. I really don’t give a shit if they get out of line or not, but I’ll tell you that this interview is starting to piss me off. I mean, you came all the way to the Slave Pit to interview us, but for some asinine reason here I am doing all of your work for you. Do you have any idea how many computers I destroy answering these stupid questions? Neither do I!
You could’ve gotten hooked on just about anything here on Earth: booze, cigarettes, coke, heroin, gambling, prostitutes, glue. Why crack?
Why not? Crack is great. It gets you really high and probably leads to birth defects. But who said that I’m not addicted to all that other stuff? I am! But none of that means shit compared to my most hideous addiction—the Home Shopping Network!
How would you characterize your relationship with Dave Brockie these days? What do you think of him?
What would happen if you ran into Mr. Lordi on the street?
I would probably do exactly what would be expected when anybody looks at Lordi—laugh. Because he’s a fucking joke and not even a good one. Maybe I wouldn’t hate him so much if he had one original idea, one scrap of intelligence or wit. But instead his pathetic attempts to emulate his masters in GWAR have earned him little more than scorn—in this country, anyway. But maybe that’s the way heavy metal sounds in Finland—like shit.
From an alien’s perspective, has Earth gotten better or worse since you’ve been here, and why?
Oh, much better, wouldn’t you agree? Before GWAR came around, the best thing you had to look forward to each year was either Halloween or your birthday. Now, the annual GWAR show is the social event of the year, and also a great chance to get rid of an annoying girlfriend or pet. In fact, fully 3% of the people polled said they preferred going to a GWAR show more than having to eat an entire road-cone full of yak droppings. And that’s up 2% from last year!
What’s the first thing you’d do if you ever managed to escape from Earth?
Well, ever since we acquired the SS Cripple Killer from that asshole Sawborg Destructo, we can pretty much leave anytime we feel like it. But for all our bitching, we actually kinda like it here. Quite unexpectedly, we discovered that Earth is the only planet in the galaxy that has crack! So now the plan is to slaughter the human race, zombify all of you, and then use you as our undead army, a weapon in our gnarled hands destined to conquer the universe and preside over all existence … or something like that. Until then, continue your mindless dedication to the sexiest band since Menudo—the mighty GWAR!!!!