New Year's Metalutions

In 2014, I resolve to: Descant the insalubrious. Yoko Ono Chimaira. Stop smashing hammer faces. Train my army of attack hamsters. Look into whether or not goat sacrifice requires a permit. Resist your touch of evil. Follow Darkthrone on tour. Convince Albert to do a Hall Of Fame on Nightwish’s Wishmaster. Transcribe Obituary lyrics. Watch more porn. Actually listen to albums before I review them. Create supercut of every usage of the name “Satan” in black metal songs. Collapse contradictions. Arrange joint Graveland/Orphaned Land tour. Make a sequel to Rock Star that follows the rest of Ripper Owens’ career after he quit metal to become a sensitive singer-songwriter. Listen through the Merzbox. Find out who would win in a fight: Godzilla or Jucifer’s amp stack. Write more Metallica erotic fanfiction. Finally listen to this “Deathheaven” band all The Kids are talking about. Remix the Morbid Angel remix album. Film a band documentary that isn't "spiral of self-destruction" or "wacky tour antics" or "point the camera at Lemmy." Let the bodies hit the floor. Hide the bodies. Start that My Little Pony-themed metal project with J. Bennett that we’ve been discussing forever. Stop posting half-assed “humor” articles.

***Have some resolutions of your own? Share them on twitter with #MetalResolutions!