Bigger ass? Kim Kardashian or Kim Kardashian's ass? Keeling Over and Dying Happy
This past Thursday, it dawned on me that my 'lude had worn off and I was actually watching a football game where the Cleveland Browns had a lead in the fourth quarter, in a division game, and if they won, they’d be in sole possession of first place in November. [Not entirely true. The Steelers still held a tiebreaker via wins against common opponents at the time. The Browns required the Jets to beat Derpsburgh on Sunday to ascertain sole possession of first. You're welcome -- managing ed.]
The Browns pulled it off behind gutsy play, great execution from their defense, and the offense taking advantage of everything their defense blessed them with. When I put all that together, I realized that this arguably could have been the most important game in the last 15 years for the Browns franchise, and I needed to analyze it this week through the eyes of a Clevelander. So, I reached out to Dana Embrose, Browns fan and guitarist of legendary Cleveland mathcore/sludge outfit Keelhaul.
Dana wasted no time putting me in check, telling me that this week's win against the Bengals, though big, wasn’t as big as the win against Pittsburgh a couple weeks back.
“I personally felt the Pittsburgh win was much more important. The only thing that could have made that win better was if Big Ben cried at the end!”
One thing about Ben Roethlisberger: he doesn’t cry. Ever. However, after Andy Dalton’s performance this past week, it wouldn’t have surprised me if he ran from the arena crying like Billy Madison. Dalton threw for 86 yards, zero touchdowns and three interceptions, and had a 2.0 passer rating. When you’re a QB and your rating looks like an underachieving undergrad’s GPA, you know you have SERIOUS problems. The one thing that stuck out to me this week was that Browns fans infiltrated “The Jungle” in droves and spent the game going apeshit for their team, like “Welcome to the Jungle” was playing. Meanwhile, a packed stadium of Bengals fans spent the game booing their team, literally from the first drive of the first quarter on. It kind of bummed me out to see a bunch of Bengals fans almost predetermine the loss. At the same time, it warmed my heart to see the Browns fans almost predetermine the win. Is there a difference between these two sets of fans, or is it just that the Bengals fans are sick of underachieving and the Browns fans are just plain SICK?
“Browns fans and Bengals fans are from the same cold, crappy state. We have the same colors. However, the usually whoop us. Not this time. And yes, Browns fans are everywhere. Or more appropriately, Clevelanders are everywhere. They also will travel for their team.”
Now that Dana mentions it, I’d argue that Bengals fans might be one of the least traveled fans in football. Christ, they only have one fan in New York City, and that’s J.D. Harmeyer.
After the game, Browns QB Brian Hoyer was interviewed by Rich Eisen, Deion Sanders and Mooch. As he was being interviewed, 60 Browns fans migrated to his area and started chanting “Brian Hoyer,” like they were chanting “E-C-DUB.” If you don’t know who Hoyer is, he’s basically a QB that should and shouldn’t be where he is right now. He entered the NFL as an undrafted free agent in 2009. He’s been in the league for five seasons, and been passed around by four teams: New England, Pittsburgh, Arizona and Cleveland. He’s never seen legit playing time anywhere except Cleveland. What’s weird about Hoyer is that the coaching staffs in said cities didn’t see enough in him to keep him around, despite backing up some pretty great QBs. Then he makes his way to Cleveland, a place where he grew up. He was a huge Browns fan as a kid. Clay Matthews, whose dad played for the Browns, wasn’t even a Browns fan. It’s almost like Hoyer was destined for this. Hoyer is still young. If he leads the Browns to the playoffs, he’ll be the first QB to do so since Derek Anderson in2002. Is he the long-term “guy” in Cleveland?
“He’s OK, and that’s about it. We don’t want OK.We want JaBron Lames-style domination in QB form here.”
That was not a typo. Dana actually refers to LeBron James and JaBron Lames. That’s something I’ll talk to him about another time. I gotta have a lot more liquor in me to touch that one. I’m a Heat fan. No one rips on King James. Go Heat! Heat 2014-2015 Champions!
Check out this absolutely brutal track from the boys in Keelhaul here!
Can I Interest You in a New Buick En-CLAY-Ve?
Recently, I was involved in a car accident. I was driving and a man rammed me from behind, destroying my car. He then abandoned his car and ran off into the woods, like an animal. He was never found. He lives there now. Right near your house. He's probably watching you right now.
The police didn't like the idea of just giving me his car, which I suggested (an eye-for-an-eye type thing). That said, I've been shopping for cars the past couple weeks. Now, I was almost coerced by some goon into buying a Buick Enclave. Then I realized that car is for losers, and I should probably buy a convertible: a car that makes perfect sense living in Chicago, a place where we get 64 feet of snow a year.
Sometimes, though, a thing that makes no sense actually works. Like taking the best player on your defense and making him change to a position he's never played when your team is in a postseason push. This week, Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy moved outside linebacker Clay Matthews to inside linebacker. This was in response to the Packers being dead last against the run this year. The result: the Chicago Bears were held to 55 yards rushing, and Matthews had a team-high 11 tackles in the 55-14 win.
This is a huge problem for the rest of the NFC. The Packers look like they have figured things out, and smell Super Bowl. It doesn't hurt their chances that the rest of the NFC is crumbling around them. The Eagles lost Nick Foles a couple weeks ago and will get a cold one back come playoff time. Also, the Arizona Cardinals, the best team in the NFC, lost starting quarterback Carson Palmer for the remainder of the season with a torn ACL this past week, and will have to rely on Drew Stanton to lead them the rest of the way.
This is also a huge problem for me. When the Packers win, it's the equivalent on me being on my period: I get moody and bloated, I have cramps, and don't even think of going down on me. If this Matthews transition works and the Pack stop their run defense woes, they leapfrog about five teams and will find themselves on a collision course with Denver for that trophy Green Bay fans worship.
Whatever. Enjoy your second half run, Green Bay fans. Just remember one thing: If you're a guy, don't wear a Clay Matthews jersey. He's a girls' player. You don't see me wearing a Devin Hester jersey, do you? Get a Tramon Williams jersey or something, and get out there and mow the lawn, ya pansy!
Are You There, Jim? It’s Me, God.
Hey, remember that one time you were on Saved by the Bell? Forgot about that. Watching it right now.
And finally, this week I went to the post office to get a passport. I waited 30 minutes in line, handed in 12 papers, but apparently was one paper short.
I did this and was escorted out of the post office by a mailman.
No Canadian trip for me.