This weekend, yes, the Super Bowl occurs, and our odyssey together ends. There will be one winner. One loser. And more people pissed off than happy regardless of who wins or loses.
Erin Go Bragh(less)
Before we delve heavily in to this Sunday’s Super Bowl matchup from hell, does anyone remember the Seattle/Green Bay game two weeks ago? It ended in dramatic fashion. Place goes apeshit! Seahawks mascot is destroyed. Immediately, the producer sends over reporter Erin Andrews to interview a Seahawk on the improbable victory.
Instead of a repeat of last year, where Andrews was on the receiving end of an aggressive, impromptu wrestling-promo delivered by Richard Sherman, Russell Wilson gives her an “aw shucks” tear-filled interview.
“Great,” I said. At least Erin didn’t get yelled at like last year. By the way, I love Erin Andrews. I think she’s a gorgeous, brilliant treasure. She has an odd way of dressing, as well. Trailblazing and a trendsetter.
She’s also a big dork at heart, which I love. Not to mention, I think her broadcasting skills are outstanding.
By the way, I haven’t heard anything Erin Andrews has said in about two years. Every time she comes on the screen, I hear this song in my head, and her voice gets drowned out.
Anyway, the “aw shucks” vibe changed about an hour later when Doug Baldwin gave a postgame interview and started bitching out the press for no reason whatsoever. He did the whole “No one believed in us but us” thing, like we haven’t heard that before for everything in every walk of life ever.
Add into the mix the un-aptly named “Deflategate” (Can someone tell me why anything associated with a scandal now has to have "gate" after it? Is Richard Nixon still a hot-button presence?), and I knew what we were in for: a high-tension, on-edge, Code Orange level Super Bowl build-up.
Talk Shit, Get Shot (Top Ten Edition)
I’ve done nothing but listen to everyone commenting on everything and anything Super Bowl-related over the past two weeks. Seriously, everyone and their mother has had something to say about someone or something these past two weeks. As you can guess, 99% of it is people being sarcastic, negative assholes from hell.
I’ve ranked my Top 10 for you:
10) Louis C.K. (Patriots fan)’s Liberal Take on Deflate-gate
“Deflate the balls. Poke a guy in the eye. Whatever. It’s football.”
Man, comedic Patriots fans really don’t give a crap about anything but winning, do they?
9) Tom Brady’s Dad Casts Doom Upon Son’s Future
He’s referring to Tom Brady’s New England career. God, what a mean dad. I guess the whole “good job, son” thing wears off sooner or later.
8) SNL Rips Patriots in Mediocre-at-Best Skit
Remember when things SNL did meant something (many, many, many, many years ago)?
They get fucking Beck Bennett and Kieran Culkin to do horrible renditions of Brady and Belichick and we’re supposed to a) laugh, b) care?
7) Robert Kraft Threatens “ Personal Friend” Roger Goodell
"Well, I guess that well-documented dinner we had together early this week is out the window. Go find another owner to be your friend, Roger. And if for some reason we’re found guilty, remember that time I invited you over for dinner?"
6) Michael Bennett (on Behalf of Kam Chancellor) Warns Nate Solder Not to Catch Ball in Super Bowl.
What Michael Bennett is referring to is the TD O-lineman Nate Solder made in the AFC Championship game against Indy.
There is NO CHANCE Solder catches anything on Sunday, or even gets thrown to him once. Everyone, including Solder, knows that.
That’s like saying, “If that one legged man kicks me, my friends going to kick his ass.”
5) Tom Brady Zings Jim Harbaugh for No Reason
I’m actually OK with Brady giving Harbaugh a hit for no reason whatsoever. It’s a nice parting gift. Brady is the only man qualified to deliver a hit like this, due to his NFL and Michigan ties.
4) Bill Nye Renounces Bill Belichick, in the Name of Science
On Belichick’s explanation of Deflate-gate: “What he said didn’t make any sense … I cannot help but say GO SEAHAWKS!”
OK, let’s get this out of the way right now: Yes, they both have the same first name.
So, I guess Bill Nye is now the guy responsible for calling bullshit on everyone, in matters of science? No one had heard from Nye for 20 years. Then he comes out of a cave in Beakman’s World to attack the creationist museum owner, and now all the hipsters love him? I guess he’s trying to make his way in to the sports realm now.
3) Howard Stern on Marshawn Lynch’s “I'm Just Here So I Won't Get Fined” Statement at Super Bowl Press Week
“I wish I was there. I’d fuck with this guy. I’d ask him, “Do you suck dick? If so, respond by saying, 'I’m just here so I won’t get fined.'”
Good call from the King of All Media. Why hasn’t anyone done this yet? Seems pretty obvious.
2) Sesame Street Trolls New England Patriots With Year-Old, Discontinued Bit
Sesame Street re-airs old episode: word of the day is “inflate.”
Typical youth brainwashing by Nazis.
1) Retired Navy Vet Rips Patriots
Okay, this man is not referring to the New England Patriots, but the press definitely had an agenda in printing this article on Super Bowl week.
That’s like printing an article about Turkey (the country) on Thanksgiving week.
So, I guess I've got to make a Super Bowl pick now.
This is going to be a special game surrounded by controversy, legacies, big personalities, egos and the two biggest asshole fan bases in the NFL. I’ve watched both these teams ad nauseam all season, and I’ve noticed one thing that I believe will be the deciding factor in the game: The Seahawks have a great front four. They rush the QB often, which forces the QB to pass uncomfortably. This gears the game towards the team’s all-around strength, their secondary. Because of this, turnovers are created, three and outs are forced, and Seattle wins the field position game way more times than not.
Seattle will come out hot. They will look like they’re in complete control early. But eventually, they will start to wane a little and collapse a smidge. That’s when New England will take advantage. Simply put, I feel the Super Bowl will be decided on the running game of the Patriots vs. the Seahawks' front four. If they can use Shane Vereen on outside rushes, LeGarrette Blount for tough yards up the middle, and Jonas Gray having a few pivotal runs, all leading to tiring out the front four, Seattle’s collective D will have to commit to defending the run way more than they’d like to.
I look at Vereen to have a big game, Blount to have a big game, Rob Gronkowski to have an MVP caliber game, and Brady and Belichick to bring it home one more time, after a 10-year drought.
New England -1 over Seattle