Wolvhammer Star In: Yet Another Tour Diary, Except This One's Maybe Funny and Original (Part 4)

When they’re not getting down with the Cinnabon sickness at the Mall of America, Minneapolis BM punks Wolvhammer enjoy decimating faces on tour. Drummer/resident smartass Heath Rave will give us the gory, hopefully idiotic details. Wednesday, Nov. 3, Austin, TX After a brutal overnight drive, including a stop at a clinic (sore throat, not sore dick this time), we arrive in Austin to unseasonably cool weather. Apparently the bullshit we live with up here decided to follow us everywhere we go. Whatever, fuck it, we grab some food, I pass out in the green room at Red 7, the dudes go shower at one of Micah's friends. Great show and great venue. We're playing with Faiza from Hatred Surge's new band Mindless; stoked to see this.

Tony Hundahl from Rock of Ages Tattoo comes out, as well one of the best surprises ever, the infamous Cartel Brown, babysitter to such famous shitbags as Pentagram, Nachtmystium and Watain. Trouble ensues and Micah meets a lovely lady that we'll call Chewie. Chewie wants us to come drink beer at her house; I think Chewie likes Micah, but we do have a hotel for the night. Fuck it, we'll check out Chewie's house. Cartel, Stavros and I pile into his car and go to meet those guys at the home of this fine lady. While Micah waits outside for a couple people to show up, Stavros, Cartel, Ryan, Andy and I follow the lovely Chewie into an elevator and she presses 4. The elevator shakes, lurches, and we are fucking stuck. And I gotta say, Chewie has no volume knob, and she's pretty dumb and very drunk. And she might just be taking up half the elevator. I'm guessing it's not her fault that she eats her feelings. Good thing Ryan and Andy brought that case of beer.

The first things she says is, "Isn't this how pornos start?" to which we reply, in short, "Show us your tits." Stavros has an excellent picture of this. Then he asks to see the bottoms, to which she replies, "YOU DON'T WANNA SEE THAT!!! I LOOK LIKE A WOOKIEE DOWN THERE!!!" Then she makes an ACTUAL WOOKIEE NOISE AT US!!! I look over at Cartel and I can see beads of sweat forming on his brow like he's gonna lose it, and I'm just afraid that Chewie might eat all of us. All of a sudden, the elevator resets itself and we fucking run out the door. Micah wants to stay and hang; we say we'll see him in the morning.

We wake up, Tony Hundahl takes us to breakfast—THANKS AGAIN, DUDE—and we scoop Micah and head to San Antonio. BTW, I wasn't gonna talk about food, but Jaun in a Million is the fucking jam.

Thursday, Nov. 4, San Antonio, TX How the hell is it that you can't get a taco after 3 p.m. in San Antonio? At a real taqueria??? I do not understand. We do find a a Taco Cabana eventually—total lifesaver.

Show is cool; great fucking bands and we get to stay with Van Darden of crustcake.com. Super rad guy, and fellow drummer, actually helps me tear down without completely fucking up my memory locks. Now that's a smart dude. By the way, I take a shit at the Alamo. They have nice bathrooms. punk house Friday, Nov. 5, Baton Rouge, LA Oh Christ, are we at a punk house??? PUNKHAUS!!!! Wait, let me check the sink—yep, we're at a punk house. Wanna know if you're in a punk house? Check the sink, man.

Wait, there are no basements in LA—living room show! Boy, was that loud!!! I do get a Nunslaughter picture disc, though. Heading to do Bobby Paranoize's house outside of NOLA. He's got a great place to lock down our trailer for the next couple nights—day off tomorrow.

Saturday, Nov. 6, day off, NOLA Wake up to an amazing breakfast spread after a great night's sleep. Coffee tastes better in a Misfits coffee cup. Bobby Paranoize and his wife Liz are the best kind of people. Sleep here, towels here, here's your breakfast. Radical people.

Head into the city to a kickass art fair with bands. Next thing I know, I'm meeting Pat from Crowbar and the legendary DAVE CHANDLER. BTW, if you don't know who Dave Chandler is, then you should probably quit reading this and go jump off a building. Holy shit, I can't believe I met Dave Chandler today. We also meet a giant roach and try to smoke it. I think it's cause I just met the almighty DAVE FUCKING CHANDLER.

We hang there a while then head to the Quarter. Most of that gets blurry, but, to keep this to the point, we purchase some awesome from a tarot card reader, get drunk, go to a no-cover strip club that plays tons of heavy metal, get robbed, see robber get knocked the fuck out, rob robber, go to sleep. I would say that we did New Orleans in ultimate style. Also, we play with fucking INQUISITION tomorrow!!! Better get some rest!!!

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