For Those About to Squawk: Waldo's Pecks on Pirate 'Metal'

OK, wow, maybe there’s just not too much going on right now, but, hey, I got a job to do and I’ve a pretty big seed habit going and I need the scrill…

Ok, we’re going to start off with the UTTERLY silly Dread Crew of Oddwood with their new record Lawful Evil on some label that’s stupid enough to put this out. Before I even start on this garbage, let’s take a little look at their press sheet. Here’s a quote: “A fully acoustic band playing pirate music that isn't corny or too ren-fair-y—it's just badass.” This is a flat out lie. It sucks! It’s pirate “metal” with no electric instruments. This isn’t even metal, but metal people like pirates right? Here we have every stupid pirate trope that one can think of, “yo ho’s” and “15 men on a dead men’s chest,” like that hasn’t been done before. This is goofy birdshit and just blows. If you like to dress up like and pretend to be a pirate… this is your jam, but if you have ANY semblance of taste, it’s not. 1 Fucking Peck.

Let’s keep up on the poopy tip shall we? Necromanicing the Stone is releasing Jewel of the Vile on Metal Blade. WTP?!?! (that stands for What the Peck, by the way). This is trad metal with some riffs reminiscent of early King Diamond, but then the weak-ass vocals kick in. I just don’t get this, I mean it’s heavy metal, but, like, they would be one of the bands in the ’80s/’90s that no one liked then, so why play a throwback if you suck? Oh I see, this is former and current members of Arsis and TBDM—not that this makes this any good. In fact, this comes across as uninspired and just kind of leaves the listener asking “Why?” Definitely not my thing. Better than that pirate metal band, I guess. 2 Fucking Pecks. 

OK, want to get your old-school bash on? Check out Warpvomit’s Barbaric Triumph of Evil, which is a compilation release. This black/death from the now-defunct Seattle band, and it is…well… old-school as peck. This is reminiscent of a rougher, old Venom and fiercer than Mayhem’s Deathcrush EP and comes across as being very influenced by the first wave of black metal. There’s not a lot to this thing, and while it certainly won’t appeal to everyone, it is unabashed fun. Get your tattered denim vest (you know the one with the obscure old patches), turn a crucifix upside down and rock the peck out! Certainly not for the metal “artiste.”  6 Fucking Pecks.

So, like, yep, I hated most everything this week, sue me… A buh de buh de buh de buh de… That’s all folks!

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