“… and it turns out I accidentally slept with a hooker.” So spouts Rob Lowe (as deputy White House communications director) early in the first season of The West Wing.
“You accidentally slept with a hooker?” repeats Lowe’s momentary comedic foil, Richard Schiff. “I don’t understand… Did you trip over something?”
This is the scene that flashed through my head when I first saw the phrase Cannibal Accident standing proud and inexplicable in my email inbox. (We can debate my television watching habits later, Nick Green et al.) What is a cannibal accident? How could it happen? The possibilities rolled across my mental landscape like a parade of overstuffed clown cars. Weird, sure. Funny, absolutely. But I still might have passed it by. Except that the band’s album was called Ritual Paprika. And there’s a song called “Foreskin Noose.” And “Zombie Tinnitus.” And fucking “Semen Continuum.” Ok, now I really had to know. Who are these guys?
And I pushed play.
What ensued were 28 minutes of gory death-grind, performed passionately and playfully by a trio of Finns who have actually been doing this since 2007. Their music sounds like their album art looks – like a ghoul-possessed intestinal tract giving violent birth to even more grisly demon-innards, rending flesh without end. If you’re gonna gore-grind, this is how you should do it: phlegmy-wet and funny as hell. Listen right here and tell us we’re wrong.
We asked the guys some questions, and they answered in English below (with a particularly potent tale about a carrot), but really, the only answer you need is their slimy fists splashing meatily against your face again and again. Are you Accident prone?
In grind, what is the right balance of fun vs. seriousness? What bands have gotten that balance right and which have not?
Kurwa Doktor: For us, the songs, riffs and song structures/vocal arrangements play the most important role. The music can have some crazy or silly moments (like we did in Ritual Paprika with the use of xylophone in a D-beat part etc.), but the songs must have some hooks in them - no matter if they are 30 secs or 3mins long. The fun part in Cannibal Accident manifests in the lyrical themes and use of multiple vocal styles, sometimes sounding very sick-fucking silly if listened to separately. But the lyrics have a kind of idea behind them always, being it trying to write the most disgusting scene of indecency and obscenity, or just having a real story-line from the beginning ‘til the end. The lyrics are 90% tongue-in-cheek, black humour-infested and just letting some brutal steam off one's mind, but they serve their own purpose in our concept. In a nutshell: we are serious about the overall result but have fun with themes around the songs. I think most of the "ultrabrutal" grindcore bands using drum machine and insane vocal effects etc. to help trying to be as brutal as possible are just totally boring. Bands with seriously good songs yet very sick themes and concept are Haemorrhage from Spain and Gutalax from Czech Republic. Fuckin' mosh 'n go!
How often do you perform live? Where have you performed?
Kurwa: We have played mostly in Finland, a couple of times in Estonia so far. Next July there will be a small Euro tour covering at least the Czech Republic, Slovakia and Poland, so hopefully we'll meet some true sick grindheads over there! We have played something like 50 gigs so far. The most ridiculous one must have been a "1-second gig" we played as a surprise between two other bands in August 2012... Actually it lasted at least 5 seconds because of the sound echoes etc. haha ;) Then we have played in a private party when a friend got his doctor's degree (graduated with writing about Finnish black metal controversy or something like that) and his teachers, relatives and friends were there with their suits on drinking champagne from fancy glasses. The most wonderfully memorable moment during one gig was when I had had half a carrot stuck between my buttcheeks during the whole gig and when the song Vegenocide was played, I pulled it out of my pants and offered it to a girl in front row - and she took a bite without any hesitatation. I cherish this memory forever!
How often do you write new music? Is songwriting a long process or a simple one?
Kolkka: If we are planning to record a new release in the near future, I sit down and write songs at home, sometimes accompanied with a couple of beers. It depends. When we are playing shows or the latest release is still rather new, there won't be much new songs spawning from my cannibal riff womb. Sometimes writing songs is very easy but it's no use trying to squeeze those riffs out with too much force.
How do Cannibal Accident members spend their time when not grinding?
Kurwa: Recovering from hangover and doing their best to achieve one.
You've said in the past that Finland has too many bands. What makes a good band stand out from the crowd?
Kurwa: Good songs fitting the genre(s) they are supposedly playing, humble yet ambitious attitude and delivering the songs with full intensity and passion on stage as well.
The new album has some extremely cool cover art. Where did that come from? Did you have input into the style or content?
Kurwa: We had some guidelines and instructions what we were looking for, some details here and there and suddenly this picture speared our GMail like a phallic lightning from the deepest jungle of Bali.
You've been playing as Cannibal Accident for a long time... Do you think about the band/music differently now than you did when you started?
Kurwa: We don't think - we act (eat).
Do you think you have learned things from watching other bands perform?
Kurwa: Yes, I personally enjoy bands with lots of action and visual extras for the live shows to make the album songs more live. Of course sometimes a low budget makes very fancy and hi-tech live shows impossible, but with some imagination, creativity and (stupidly) brainstormed ideas you can add that little extra notch to make the shows more enjoyable, memorable and interesting for the audience and also for the band.
If you could book the ideal show line-up, which bands would be on the bill?
Kurwa: For me personally: viking-era Bathory, 80's/90's Running Wild, 80's Bon Jovi and Paska. Kurt Cobain could HEADline for a couple of seconds.
Ok, we'll bite: How does one have a cannibal accident?
Kolkka: It could be possible if you were offered human meat at a restaurant and you didn't know about it!
Kurwa: Also: Two cannibals crashing into each other in a crossroad.
Which rituals require the most paprika? Which rituals require the least?
Kurwa: Both can be answered by the lord of all barbeques and grill sauces, ‘cos in reality "ritual paprika" is a corncob!
Are there ways to defend against a Lunatic Zombie? Or treat Zombie Tinnitus?
Kolkka: Both puzzles can be solved by getting so intoxicated that you are in the same mental level as a zombie.