Encrotchment Week 2 with Eddie Gobbo of Jar'd Loose

 

Iggy Azalea Death Watch, 2015.

Eastern Promises

I’m going to go on the record and say that we’re going to see some compelling football out of the AFC East this year.

The AFC East teams all handled their business in Week 1 and head in to Week 2 in a four-way tie for first (and last, for all you “glass is half empty” people).  

The New England Patriots fended off the Pittsburgh Stillers in Foxboro. Of course, they were accused of cutting off the Stillers communication system. To New England’s defense, they left the Stillers plenty of Dixie cups and white string on the sidelines. The New York Jets destroyed the Cleveland Browns after their fourth string QB was knocked out with a concussion only to give way to their eighth string QB for the remainder of the game, who will be their starter next week mind you. The Fins beat the Skins by a touchdown in DC.  A sloppy, physical game that was won by WR Jarvis Landry’s big game (8 receptions/52 yards, punt return TD). Landry’s a playmaker and an X-factor for the Fins this year. When he goes, so will the team. He reminds me of Percy Harvin when he was with the Minnesota Vikings during the Brett Favre era.

Speaking of Percy Harvin, don’t look now (he’s right over there), but he had a touchdown this week, thrown to him by a Tyrod Taylor (14 for 19, 195 yards, 41 yards rushing). The Rex Ryan-led Bills were the only team this week that truly impressed me from this division. Their defense shut down the one of the most high-powered offenses in the league, the Indianapolis Colts. Only good things come from a strong defensive performance; short fields, run games opening up, and a green QB being allowed to manage a game, not being forced to take it over. Also, did you see Tyrod Taylor’s shirt this week?

The Jets will run in to a buzzsaw these next two weeks, with the Colts and Eagles looming. Make sure the plane is fueled. I’m not saying the Jets won’t be able to run with the other three, but I’m certain the other three will start trading wins and losses on the regular. We’ll get the first taste of this when New England travels to Buffalo this week. New England is a slight favorite on the road. Rex Ryan has already stated they’ll be double-teaming, if not triple-teaming Gronk the whole game.

With the Fins likely winning the battle of Florida against Jacksonville this week, get ready for a sick match-up come Week 3 between the Bills and Fins.

Stay glued to the AFC East all season.

CSI: Miami

And the winner of this week’s pretentious comment made by a “supermodel” (term used extremely loosely) goes to Chrissy Teigen. Bear with me on this one, friends. Teigen took heat after being quoted in a an interview this week saying that if her and her husband John Legend (not his real name) have kids one day, there will be “no hot nannies” hired by them. “I trust John, but you never know with these men,” was the quote that followed.

For those of you who don’t know,  Teigen is part of the cool lunch table in the music scene right now. She’s front row at every award show because her husband is usually up Kanye’s ass. She actually laughed like a sadist hyena when Kanye went up to ruin Beck’s speech at the Grammys this year, cuz you know, what the fuck has Beck done? End of video, white dress.

Now trust me, I know the men of the world have their penis=related shortcomings (I’m assuming she’s referring to Ben Affleck now dating his nanny). But first of all, Chrissy, you don’t have kids and aren’t pregnant, so why the fuck even mention this? Secondly, your husband is a celebrity. He’s probably around hot women all the time. Good luck controlling that. Thirdly, thanks for rubbing it in us poor people’s faces that “in theory” if you had a child, you would surely be able to employ multiple nannies.

She’s an idiot. Always has been. Two words for Chrissy Teigen: Christy Turlington.

More than two words for John Legend: guy Laura Dern used to be married to.

So, how does this tie in to the NFL this week, you ask? Well, actually, the NFL took a big step this week in NOT punishing someone based on a preconceived stereotype.

In his first game as a Miami Dolphin, DE Ndamukong Suh literally kicked RB Alfred Morris in the head, propelling Morris’ helmet off.

Suh is amazing for two reasons: The first being is he finds new and inventive ways to “little brother” people. He may eventually take of his cleat and try to stab somebody. The second is that he always makes it look like it was an accident.

As soon as Suh kicked off Morris’ helmet, I immediately thought the he had a huge fine and suspension coming his way. Again, it LOOKED like an accident, but history would have been taken into consideration.

Ironically, by Monday morning, the league stated that they wouldn’t pursue any fine or suspension against Suh.

This actually sets a massive precedent for the league. They may start fining and suspending less on previous transgressions and only on the actual incident itself.

Meanwhile, in Oakland, there was no mistaking Pacman Jones’ intention behind taking off wide receiver Amari Cooper’s helmet and ramming his head in to said helmet this week. Welcome to the NFL, motherfucker.

Pacman Jones is an anomaly. How that guy is still in the league, still making a million dollars a year, still has a stating job, and is still alive is beyond me. But he is. Nevermind how it happened. It’s done.

My Foot Hurts. Can I Go to the Nurse?

I got to give major props to Dez Bryant this week, who has over the past couple years slowly become my favorite player in football.

He broke his foot in this past week’s Sunday Night slobberknocker with the New York Giants, which the Giants blew with bad clock management in the final seconds. Also, has anyone else noticed injury reports coming in INSANELY quick these days? They announced immediately after the game that Bryant would be out for an extended amount of time.

The broken foot will surely hurt the Cowboys for the 4-6 weeks, the length Bryant will be out. The ‘Boys will be lucky to go 3-3 without Bryant. He’s that much of a threat and, sadly, no one will be there to pick up his slack. WR Cole Beasley will have the biggest rise in production. If the Cowboys can turn him into their version of a Wes Welker/Hines Ward slot presence, it will be great for a second half run upon Bryant’s return. The slot receiver is one of the most underrated roles in football. Slot WRs have an unbelievable presence on third downs and in red zones, which ultimately is where football games are won and lost.

The aforementioned props Bryant deserves come from him being in the tunnel after the game to congratulate his teammates on their comeback win while wearing nothing but his underwear and huge grin, while hopping around on one good foot.

It’s outstanding that this dude has become such a leader on this team. Can’t wait till he comes back.

Tex ASS

If you were wondering who the worst head coach in football as you lied awake in bed, look no further than Houston Texans first-year coach Bill O’Brien. Dude is horrible. He started QB Brian Hoyer Week 1 over Ryan Mallett, only to bench Hoyer at the beginning of the fourth quarter in a game the team was down two scores. No injury. No catastrophic collapse. Hoyer was simply playing like Brian Hoyer. So, why start Brian Hoyer in your first game as a head coach, only to get what is advertised, and change your mind three quarters of the way through, and show the world you’re either a scatterbrain or a flip-flopper?

Are You There, Jameis? It’s Me, God

“Watch out for that first NFL throw. It’s a doozy.”

That 9/11 Story Was an Inside Job

And finally this week, you know that fantasy football show on FX, The League? Yeah, neither does anybody.

Well, the head dude on the show just got caught in a major lie.

His name is Steve Rannazzisi. You might also know him from those atrocious Buffalo Wild Wings commercials where the two dudes pontificate over how awesome being at B-Dubs is. B-Dubs sucks, by the way, so there’s another lie right there.

Anywho, back in 2009, Rannazzisi went on Mark Maron’s podcast and told an elaborate story about how he was in the World Trade Center on 9/11 when the planes hit. Like a TOTAL elaborate story, i.e. the nightmare experience likely everyone in that building experienced that day, if they were lucky enough to live to tell it.

Rannazzisi said he worked for the firm Merrill Lynch in the World Trade Center at the time. When someone who ACTUALLY works at Merrill Lynch looked up this dude in their employment history years later and didn’t find his name, questions started being asked.

When this came to light, he finally, six years after the podcast, admitted he was NOT in the World Trade Center the morning of 9/11 and made the entire story up.

I actually hung out with Steve Rannazzisi once.

He’s the one wearing the Rudolph Giuliani-issued Yankees Cap. I’m the one holding the football.

I remember that day well. Honestly, Rannazzisi WOULD NOT stop talking about 9/11. He was crowbarring it in to every conversation we had, even in indirect ways. For example, at one point, someone asked what time they needed to be at the airport tomorrow, and Rannazzisi said, “As long as were there between 9 and 11, we should be good.” SWEAR TO GOD.

What year was this, you ask? You guessed it: 2009.

Hello. My name's Zeitgeist. Welcome to Hell. I'll be your tour guide.

Pick of the Week.

Pats -1 over Buffalo.

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