REVIEW THIS BAND PHOTO: BENIGHTED

We have this guy in front who, honestly, seems to be the only one taking this cooking thing seriously. He’s got his encyclopedia of cuisine, the learned glasses on the edge of his nose; my man’s got a whisk and some sort of culinary kerchief which I assume they wear at Le Cordon Bleu. But I have no idea how he thinks he can to prepare an entire human with a dozen eggs and maybe half a bag of flour. Did he even preheat the oven? 

On the right, that guy is quite pleased with himself. Maybe he was the one who thought, "There is still too much subtlety in this photo," and decided to add the restraints and brandish some antique firearm to really drive home how completely unconcerned with a proper meal everyone is. 

Homeboy on the far left clearly chose to be a little more dramatic and went with the classic "I'll cut my throat" pose. I'm sure he thinks it makes him look crazy and intimidating, but killing yourself is actually way not intimidating. It's like telling someone at a street fight you're gonna go take a nap.

But finally we do have a guy that looks crazy because Jesus Christ he is really taking this seriously. I mean, the kind of person who says, “I’ll be the one to choke and take a chainsaw to the blindfolded, near-naked woman in a photo that both my friends and family might see,” may very well have some super fucked up outlooks on women he needs to work out. Everyone else is mugging for the camera while he finally gets his shot at a torture porn fantasy. 

But keep in mind that he still had to put on a puffy chef's hat. He’s still standing in front of a silly placard. The salt and pepper is still in small ceramic chickens. I can't stop you from doing despicable shit in your photos, but at least try and roll with the context. Orient yourself for a moment, take in your surroundings and go buy your bandmates some decent goddamn ingredients. 

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