We Have Them in Horrific… and Extra Horrific

Posted July 29 by Shane Mehling

The Decibel Music Video Hall of Fame stalled over a year ago because, honestly, we couldn’t find much to stand next to the brain-melting crabbiness of Attack Attack! But that was before we were introduced to “theatrical dark rockers” Black Veil Brides and their song “Perfect Weapon.”

When a video starts with grown men putting on makeup and a real complicated star symbol, you know shit is gonna get real right away. And BVB don’t disappoint with what is the most glammed-up version of metal you’ve heard since... no, this may be it. Pure Hollywood excreta with a couple skulls and a fucking Ouija board guitar that I bet cost their record company two intern blowjobs.

BVB are headlining a Hot Topic tour right now, though I’m not sure if they don’t actually live in one, practicing in the break room, using the mall bathroom to tease their hair and going to sleep atop a soft pile of unicorn T-shirts. The singer and star of the band, some preening narcissist with a goofy name I won’t even repeat, spends the entire song making sweet, cryptic love to the camera and showing off his trademark “wound” that he paints on one of his cheeks because “Spaceman” and “Starchild” were already taken. He seriously wants to fuck the shit out of you on his pentagram-shaped waterbed, and if you still don’t get it, there’s this suggestive smoke ejaculate that occasionally pops up behind him when he feels that you’re not sufficiently hot.

Then the song is over... except then a curtain falls down and 50 children are behind it, all with the same cheek wound painted on their shit-eating faces. Then the song’s over... except for a solo scrubbed of even the faintest hint of humanity, and a chance for the decorated clown lady to bathe himself in preteen hands.

When I hit up Wikipedia to find out more stuff to make me angry about these con artists, their page was oddly missing. Since this video already has over one million views and their debut album (We Stitch These Wounds, motherfuck) just sold 11,000 copies, I can only assume that the good people at my favorite online encyclopedia have had enough of this garbage. Good for them, but I’m sure the guylinered wolves are at the door. With that in mind, I demand that a Beatles-esque Black Veil Brides Rock Band is released, where you can play all their songs. It may not work, but it’s the only chance to keep each and every fan from ever being tempted to pick up an actual guitar or drumstick and piss off my children.

In conclusion, this music is only for two kinds of people: 13-year-old girls who hate preps or jocks, and the host of Planet Steve, some sort of middle-aged criminal who rolls around in a Dodge Challenger with a tie and loves crushing breakdowns. He and his unrelenting army of tweens adore this shit. Cover your cheeks.

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