Catching Up With Marissa Martinez, Nov. 09
Posted November 18 by Jeanne Fury
This week is National Transgender Awareness Week, culminating with the International Transgender Day of Remembrance on Friday, November 20. To honor the courageous men and women who live their lives on their own terms—not society's or Mother Nature's—we present another update from Cretin's Marissa Martinez, who is celebrating her first year of surgery-sanctioned ladyhood. (Click here for part 1 of Marissa's updates.) In this edition, Marissa takes us south of the border. One word: Vaginoplasty. (There's a name for a grindcore band if ever we heard one.) Without further ado, take it away Marissa.
So, the last time I wrote, we left off with me looking to find some fun with my new girls. Well... I did find fun.
And, I could tell the story of spending the afternoon topless, strolling around the crowded streets of San Francisco's Civic Center district, during the Gay Pride Parade. About being stopped every few steps to have my picture taken like a lesbian, tranny, character attraction at the "gayest place on earth." Or the story of spending my birthday night wearing a tiny, black, latex, tube dress, and being bought drink after drink by a guy who was scheming to get me sauced enough to drunkenly wobble back to his hotel room. Too bad for him, his plan was foiled by a female who stole me away to dance and make out with her and her boyfriend for the rest of the night. Or, I could tell the story of attending the Marquis Latex Fetish Ball, and being asked by the event photographer to enter the Model Casting Call contest they were holding. I ultimately won, earning me a professional photo shoot for Marquis/Von Gunteberg magazines, and kicking off my debut as a Latex Fetish Model.
But, really... Those booby stories seem to pale in comparison to the more intriguing story of my last two months. That's right ladies and gentleman... What's more intriguing than big, bouncing, boobies? Pussy!!! And as of August 24th, 2009, way out in Bristol, PA, I got mine!
Decibel sent me a bunch of questions to help inspire this next installation of the blog. But, ultimately it seems to make more sense if I just answer the questions directly, rather than try to tell the tale as a narrative. So, that's what I think I'll do. Here we go:
You mentioned that a lot of people have reached out and that you've had a lot of reactions to you since the July 2008 Decibel feature written by Andrew Parks. What exactly have these been like?
I can't believe it's already been over a year since doing that article!? The reaction as a whole has been amazing! It's extremely touching and so unexpected. Honestly, when I first did the interview I was nervous about how accepting people would be. But, I've seen way more support than any other type of reaction. I suppose that shouldn't be surprising when it comes to the metal scene. I mean, metal was founded around a philosophy of "Fuck you! You can't tell me how to live my life." So, it's good to see that some things don't change.
Some of the more touching emails that I've gotten have been from other people out in the world who are currently feeling trapped by their bodies and their living situations. They tell me that I'm a source of inspiration to them, which is such a huge honor, and means so much to me. I just wish I could do more to help. It's not easy to live with a gender conflict, and some people are trapped in situations where they feel they can't do anything about it. My heart goes out to them.
Sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) is not a cheap procedure. How did you save up the funds?
I owned a townhouse when I was married. We divorced amicably and sold the house. So, I used my half of the money to pay for all of my surgeries. But, you're right, the surgeries are very expensive. I've been extremely fortunate.
In the months leading up to your surgery, what kinds of emotions were coursing through your veins?
Honestly, I really couldn't wait to get my surgery. For the most part I was really excited. But, I did have some anxiety over it too. Even though I was well informed, I just didn't know what to expect. There's so much mystery and intrigue out there when it comes to this surgery. "What will it look like?" "What will it feel like?" "Will it work?" "Will I be able to cum?" Of course I had talked with some other post-op t-girls to see what they had to say, but they often came off so overwhelmingly positive about their experience that I found it difficult to take all that they were saying genuinely.
So, ultimately I reached a point where I had to ask myself "Do I truly need this, and why?" My immediate response was a resounding "YES!!!" even if I hadn't really articulated the reasons why. I realized that no matter how taboo or exotic it was to be a "Chick with a dick," that paled in comparison to actually feeling comfortable in my own body. That's ultimately what it comes down to. Sure, there were moments where using my penis was fun. But, there were even more times where using it felt wrong and I would find my self staring down at my partner with total jealousy. It felt like I was on the wrong side of the cock, and I hated it.
Then when I started living as a woman, it was either in the way, or completely out of place. So, even "not using it" became uncomfortable because I perceived it as something that just should not have been there.
There's also physical health reasons that encouraged my decision to get the surgery. I had to take high doses of hormones, and testosterone blockers, to combat the testosterone that was produced by my testicles. Pills are really bad for your liver, and I took a lot of them. The hormones put you at risk for blood clots as well, which can lead to heart attacks or strokes. I only need to take estrogen now, and it's a much smaller, and healthier, dose. So, ultimately, I just knew I had to get cut, and I couldn't wait.
Did you bank any sperm?
No. I came to the realization that I didn't want children about a year before I realized I was trans. So, I didn't bother to bank any sperm. I figured if I did end up wanting a child one day, then I could always try to adopt.
Where did you travel to for the surgery? Did you bringing anyone along for support?
I flew out to Philly to get my surgery done. The surgeon I chose was Dr. Christine McGinn. She does the operation out of Bristol, PA, and then has her clinic up in New Hope. She's very reasonably priced for an American surgeon, and she's very upfront, honest, and no-nonsense when it comes to the pros and cons of the surgery. I really appreciate that. There's just so much that can be candy-coated regarding this surgery, and she's not like that at all.
Plus, she's a post-op t-girl herself, which means that she's passionate about what she does, and I could trust that she would do her best to give me a pretty pussy. I mean, I'm into girls, so you know... I know what a pretty one looks like. Not that a male surgeon wouldn't want to hand out pretty pussies. But, I just figure the "good enough" factor would be higher for a guy since men don't tend to be as critical with our looks as we can be. The last thing I want is more flaws when I'm paying for perfection.
I flew out a few days early so I could see the folks from Relapse Records. I also got to see one of my best girl friends who's a professional Dominatrix. We all had a great time hanging out together, and the Relapse folks took great care of us. There was supposed to be an annual softball game between Relapse and Decibel, unfortunately it was rained out. That was a bit of a bummer, but a lot of us still got together for drinks and to shoot pool. It was a great time! Unfortunately, I couldn't drink because it was two days until my surgery, and my surgeon refused to cut me if she found alcohol or nicotine in my system.
That night my mom flew out to Philly. We both had hotel rooms in Levittown just down the road from the hospital. So, I met up with her later in the night, and she stayed with me for the next two weeks while I went through the surgery and recovery.
My mom has been there for all my surgeries. She's incredibly supportive, and a huge source of love and inspiration. The day after she arrived we went shopping for feminine products that I would need to help me heal. We were standing in the maxi-pad section going over the different sizes and styles; thin, ultra thin, extra absorbent, with wings, without... I'm standing there, a 34 year old woman, getting the lessons of a 13 year old girl, when a woman walks by and flashes me a look of utter disbelief that I don't know this stuff already. I guess she couldn't tell that I was a t-girl. Out of embarrassment I blurted "I don't know mom, I guess I'm just more of a tampon girl."
Good one... *facepalm*
Approximately how many hours were involved in the surgery?
It was a six-hour surgery, though the time flew by for me!
Did you experience cold feet with regards to the surgery?
Actually, no. I think I had a little trouble sleeping the night before. But, that morning I was completely calm. I usually am before these things. My biggest worry is that the I.V. needle is going to hurt. Beyond that, I'm typically fine. Maybe that's just indicative of how much I want these surgeries in order to finally just be me.
What were the last thoughts through your head before the anesthesia took hold?
"HORRIFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied......fuck!"
Hahaha! No. Just kidding. Before going under I had a number of thoughts flashing through my head. When I first got to the hospital, I had to have blood taken for lab work. I'm terrible when it comes to needles and giving blood, and they needed four vials full. I told the nurse that I have a tendency to faint when I have to give too much blood, and sure enough, I totally did. By the time I was on the gurney and meeting the anesthesiologist I hadn't fully recovered from fainting. As a result, my surgeon's assistant had a hard time finding a vein. So, I got the joy of being pricked three times with the I.V. stint before the needle was successfully inserted. It wasn't enjoyable. But I still managed to stayed calm.
I also had the worry that I might accidentally wake up during the middle of the procedure. It's such a scary thought, and I have it every time I go under the knife. But, then I switched to the exciting thought that in a short while I was going to be waking up with a vagina. That was pretty much the last thought I had before going under.
Did you have any parting words for your man-parts?
"GOOD RIDDANCE MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
It'll probably be hard for you to remember this, but what were your first thoughts when you woke up from the surgery?
Actually, that's one thing I vividly remember. When I came to, there was a bunch of the surgical staff standing above me with their caps and masks on. I saw them all staring down at me and vaguely heard them talking. Suddenly, the thought of waking up while in the middle of the surgery shot through my head, and I panicked and started yelling "Oh my gawd! Oh my gawd! I'm awake! I'm awake! I woke up on the table! Oh my gawd!" Suddenly my surgeon's head appeared above me. "Marissa," she said. "It's Dr. McGinn. You're not on the table. The surgery is done. It was a complete success." Her words brought me out of my panic, and as I settled and the fear washed over me, I started to cry.
I assured everyone that I was ok, and that I was crying because I had gotten scared. They went about their business, cleaning up and filling out paper work while I pulled myself together.
I started to feel the surgical area with my mind. It was heavily bandaged, so I couldn't touch it if I wanted to. At first, as I was coming out of the fog of anesthesia and my waking panic attack, it felt like my penis was still there. It stung, like there was an incision at the base, and another under the head. But it felt as though it was still in penis form. As I felt the area out more, I noticed that my glans didn't feel like it was where it used to be. Now it felt significantly separate from the shaft and much closer to my body. The more I concentrated the more I realized that the reason it felt like my penis was still there, was because my vagina was made out of the same parts. In essence the penis was still there, it was just significantly "Rubik's Cubed."
As I laid there feeling out my new equipment it all started to come together and make sense. I could feel where my clit was, where my urethra was, and that my vaginal canal went up inside me. As the pieces fell in place, I realized, I didn't have a penis anymore; I had a vagina. I heard one of the nurses say "She's crying again." I replied to her, saying "I'm alright... I'm alright... These are happy tears..." And I continued to weep in celebration a little bit more.
What's the recovery like? Are there restrictions as to what you can and can't do?
Recovery HURTS!!! Initially, it's very stingy, and swollen. I had to lay flat on my back for the first couple of days, to minimize swelling. My blood pressure was very low, so my ankles were really sore from weak circulation and laying in only one position. Luckily, I had a morphine button and Percocet to help me forget the pain.
By day three, they made me stand for a few minutes. It sucked so bad!!! Rolling out of bed hurt so much. Not only did I have to navigate in a way that wouldn't put too much strain on my coochie, but I had a catheter in, which made it more difficult to maneuver. Once I was on my feet, all of the fluid from the swelling weighed down on my sutures. It felt like I was being slowly ripped apart.
On day four, they had me actually try to walk with a walker. Again, it felt like the weight of the universe was bearing down on my crotch, and I was also super light-headed. I had to take one baby step at a time, and I could only make it halfway down the hall. The nurse and I were afraid that I might pass out, so we had me turn back and try again later that evening. The second time, I did much better and made it around the entire nurse's station.
The next day I was released from the hospital. Again I had to do more standing that was pure torture, as was sitting in the car.
On the seventh day, I had my first post-op appointment with my surgeon. She removed my catheter, bandages, stitches, and stuffing, and then held up a mirror so she could give me a tour of my new vagina. It was a leaking mess at the time, and of course, every time she touched it, it stung. But, regardless, she handed me two different sized plastic dildos and taught me how to do my dilation exercises. That hurt REALLY badly and I had to dilate six times a day, for 30 minutes at a time.
Dilation pretty much consists of working the dildo up inside of you, and then pressing on it with about as much pressure as you apply to a pencil in a pencil sharpener. The idea is to slowly stretch and deepen the vaginal canal, as well as keep it from atrophying. I'm nearly at three months from my surgery and my vag is still mildly sore, and sensitive to the dilation. But, it's gotten a lot better.
I have to dilate four times a day at this point. After four months I'll be down to twice a day. It's hard to match up four dilations a day with my work schedule. So, I've been missing about an hour of work everyday that I make up on Sundays. It's not ideal, but it's working out.
Is it weird to have a vagina or does it feel natural? (Or a bit of both?)
Honestly, it feels really natural. I can't explain it, but having a penis just really felt odd; especially once I started living as a woman. I don't know how I lived with it for so long.
How long do you have to wait before you can have sex?
My paperwork says "No sexual intercourse within the first 60 days." But, honestly, my vagina wasn't really ready by then. Regardless, I managed to wind up at a sex party with a gorgeous strawberry blonde girl. She rubbed me and we scissor fucked for the greater part of four hours. But, I kept my panties on the whole time. Still, it felt amazing!!!
I'm healing up pretty well at this point. A few days ago a pretty brunette went down on me for the first time. I was a little self-conscious so I didn't let her stay down there for too long. But, again... AMAZING!!!
What else about having a vagina is going to take some getting used to?
Well, not the free drinks! That's for sure! ;)
Obviously the peeing is different. I mean, I honestly don't mind not being able to stand and pee anymore. But, I wasn't ready for the little bit of dribble that occasionally happens off of my bum now. That's so funny! Aside from that, it just feels very natural.
In the initial Decibel article, it says: "At the time of our interview, Marissa is seven months into being a full-time woman, meaning the government recognizes her legal sex change with a new driver's license, social security card, medical records, etc." Are there any other legal documents that you need to get changed that you weren't able to before?
My birth certificate is the last thing that I need to change. Some people think it's weird that you can change that. But really, it was written based off of an assumption derived from my wayward genitalia. I mean, it was a mistake that I was ever declared male, because I have a female brain.
Can you orgasm? Are your orgasms any different?
Hahaha! The BIG question. Honestly, the answer so far is "I think so?" I can't give a definitive "YES!" at this point because I've been too sore to experiment all that much.
But, I've been playing a lot more lately and I think I've had a few orgasms. They are different now. They aren't as obvious as they used to be. For one thing, I don't make a big mess anymore when I cum. But, also... I don't end up completely spent and overly sensitive like I used to. Now, I get the build up to orgasm and then suddenly it's just kind of gone, and I can keep going. At first I thought I just wasn't reaching climax. But, now I'm starting to think differently.
I bought a vibrator a couple of weeks ago, and pretty easily got four of these orgasms the first time I used it. My clit doesn't nearly have the amount of nerve endings that a natal-woman has, but it's still very much alive and feeling good. I also have a g-spot because the nerve centers that a prostate plugs into are identical to those of a g-spot, and they're in the same place in the body. They don't remove the prostate in the surgery, so I get that pleasure center too!
So, both of those areas are working. I just need more time using them to really be sure of what works for me and what doesn't.