Deciblog Screamo Elimination Bracket (Elite 8)

Posted August 31 by nick

Round One is over and half of the original 16 have been stopped dead in their tracks. Now it's on to Round Two...

Confide, "Such Great Heights"

VS

Surrender the Dance Floor, "Just Dance"

The only good thing Lady Gaga ever taught anybody was what not to wear. That also was the proverbial warning to not cover her songs. But it's no surprise another wigger slam band of degenerate youth didn't listen once again. Team Surrender the Dance Floor excuse originality, substance and, dare I say, talent for this chugga-chugga remix of 21st century electronic fluff. What's next? Aqua's "I'm A Barbie Girl"? Spare us and save the matching jerseys, vocoder abuse and two-step trip for the XmallX. These fools ditched the Slam High special seminar, the 101 in taste. School was in session, but these bad arses were too busy coordinating NFL jerseys and exchanging mp3s with their younger sisters. Kudos for the sweet moves, though. Check out the keyboardist’s air jump at :45, sagging pants grab at :51, run-in-place skip at 1:28 and grind hump at 1:54. Strobe lights may enhance dancing efforts, but they do nil for the vocal chords. Kids these days--close your "Playboy mouth" and grow a pair!

Confide's video would be better as a Garner Fructise commercial. Well, with less enthusiasm. Hair is the only impressive feature of these 4:25 minutes. Confide's long locks of love capture the bright lights remarkably well. Smell that apricot and avocado-enriched formula every time they whip their heads in unison. While it may work for the hair, this fruitful cover of the already whiny Postal Service spoils any dignity this band once had. Confide, don't you have any shame? Apparently not. These cry babies dismiss humility for another chance to look good. Staggered video edits and slow-motion effects won't convince us otherwise. They pause to drop all things pretty at 2:05 for a little breakdown party. Vocals get br00tally deep, and he's serious, man. Close those f-ing windows! Just as things seem a little too intense, the queen bee weeps his sweet sorrows. Fine, we’ll come down now, just stop singing. But, wait, can we snag your beauty secret?

Winner: Surrender the Dance Floor, "Just Dance"

--Jess Blumensheid

I Set My Friends on Fire, "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)"

VS

A Static Lullaby, "Toxic"

I already devoted an entire Deciblog post in April ‘08 to expressing my disbelief over Epitaph’s signing of I Set My Friends on Fire. I don’t wanna cover too much old ground, except to say this: What a difference a year makes. The duo’s brain-melting rendition of Soulja Boy is still rotten like tooth decay, but the ironic screamo cover is now a full-blown genre and ISMFoF looks sooooo much better for half-assing it. Think about it: someone actually paid A Static Lullaby to record a slavish, boring cover of “Toxic” and they shot a video with a modest budget when they could’ve easily skated by with a Rock Band kit and a webcam and plenty of leftover dough for PBR and Parliaments. Plus, no one looks cool with a faux-hawk. Reverse Mohawks (think Hawk and Animal) are where it’s at, dipshit. On the “win” side, one of these dudes is a dead ringer for Zach Galafiankis. But, um, leave Britney alone! As for the kids in I Set My Friends on Fire, I was wrong: your version of “Crank Dat” is the only cover in this whole goddamn bracket that actually outstrips the original. Love the br00tal breakdown... the more I listen to it, the closer I come to unlocking the mysteries of the universe! You guys clearly don’t give a fuck, and that must be rewarded.

Winner: I set My Friends on Fire, "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)"

--Nick Green

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