Bernie Romanowski (Cable) bemoans bike hipsters.

Posted August 4 by Chris D.

By Bernie Romanowski (Cable)

Culture, authenticity, purists, hipsters, existentialism, emptiness and single-speed bicycles.

Trendiness knows no bounds. Case in point: The "fixie" single-speed bicycle movement has now burdened most urban American cities with its presence and I hate it. For your reference, a "fixie" bike has only one gear ratio and (in its purest form) has either one front brake, or preferably, no brakes at all. Fixie bikes represent the definitions of mechanical simplicity: they are stripped-down, bare-bones, sturdy and reliable bicycles. These bikes are often made of aluminum or even steel frames, and they forgo technology for the sake of reliability. While most of cycling culture is obsessed with carbon fiber and exotic alloys, the "fixie" followers seek out bike frames and components that simply resist rust. Technology is not the ideal. These bikes are meant to be locked to sign posts and parking meters and stored in stairwells. Fixies were originally employed by velodrome (track) cyclists, but many years ago, they slowly entered into use by urban bicycle messengers on the East and West coasts. The bikes used for messenger services were authentic, utilitarian bastards of bikes that were pieced together from other bike messengers' used parts. They were not pretty, light, or fast, but they were reliable.

How can a bicycle be offensive? How can I hate a bicycle, the world-wide symbol of freedom? I thought I loved bikes more than anything else in the mechanical world. I spend my summer watching bicycle races and riding through the hills of Connecticut, so this must be a mistake. Well, I should clarify that I hate the urban movement associated with single-speed bicycles in the hands of hipsters. I love actual bicycle messengers that get out in the rain and race through traffic to earn a living. Is that clear enough?

I have friends that have been bike messengers. These are tough, savvy and genuine people. I have friends that are hipsters. Hipsters are not tough, savvy or genuine people. What do messengers and some hipsters have in common? They both ride fixies. The hipster/fixie culture been most accurately described and deconstructed by BikesnobNYC so I won't reinvent the wheel (no pun intended). Fixie Hipsters have the same repelling qualities that Regular Hipsters have: They are appropriating parts of our cycling culture like human collages, putting together pieces of the past and present while not actually contributing anything to the artistic whole. They are so cool and so uncool that they are cool.

Irony is what drives hipsters. They are so ahead of the curve that they're portraying themselves as behind the curve. Fat guys in tight pants, cute guys in purple jackets, Iron Maiden t-shirts, cheap beer, mohawks…are you freakin serious? Move to Plano, TX with that bullshit shtick and see how long you can keep it up. The clock would be ticking down until some real “ironic” guy stuffs your bike and your clever high-tops up your ass. I've ridden my bike in Texas and listen to me, having full tattoo sleeves didn’t compensate for my tight-ass bike shorts. I'm still a homo according to the first guy in a pickup I encountered when I left Austin (literally a true story). Maybe Kirk from Buzzov-en can hang, but you can’t.

Since hipsters are competitive by nature, it's no surprise that the one-upmanship surrounding vintage fixie bicycle parts has become overwhelming. Everyone is looking for a rare Italian frame and an old leather saddle with brass rivets. These hipsters aren’t out logging miles in the snow and slush or racing their friends in the park or even connected to the cycling culture at large. Just like vintage amps are the most expensive amps on eBay, used fixie frames are often leading the price war on Ebay. What SunnO))) and Kyuss did for the vintage amp industry, so have hipsters done to the fixie market. They have inflated it and fucked it. It always amazes me to see upper-middle class people spending their money to look like they're poor working class folks. Just dripping with authenticity, isn't it?

I admit there is a balance to the universe - a yin and a yang - that needs to be preserved. A return to our roots has been valid at any time in our history. I like carbon fiber, you like rusty steel. I know that vinyl is very important to music right now. People are losing touch with the experience of listening to albums. We are not reading liner notes or engaging with our music, and this needs to be restored in some way. My band spends a lot of time writing lyrics, writing songs, and coming up with artwork and I don't want that to become lost because of your iPod. Buy the vinyl because you can appreciate experiencing an album in the fullest sense. NOT BECAUSE IT'S COOL.

Retro style for retro’s sake is postmodernism in its most offensive form. Most of what I see in the stoner-rock revival and in the hipster movement is a steaming heap of postmodern garbage. The tip of the iceberg is authentic and amazing, but the rest of you are all late to the party and I'm sorry to report that all the PBR had been drunk. I'm so sorry.

I'm in a unique position to criticize people, so I'll take advantage of this now. I'm in a band and I'm a cyclist. I've been on my bike for almost 10 years and I've been in a band for 15 years. I would say that I'm lucky to be part of the "artistic whole," but that would discount the hard work my band has done. We have done all the cliché band legwork that everyone complains about. You know what I'm talking about so I'll spare you the details you've head a thousand times before. And we don't play overpriced vintage amps so I can also point a finger there. Neurosis is one of the most uninfluenced and uninformed bands of our generation. They exist with no apparent connection to what is happening around them or before them. This is why they are one of the 5 Best Bands on Earth of All Time. They are 100% OK with being an anomaly with no context. They are authentic in a way that no hipster can ever relate to. Your identity should only depend on your consciousness, what you do, where you go, what you think about -- that is your essence. Not your amp, your bike, your pants, your sushi, or your mustache. And if I can take a minute to provide some advice to all you mustachio-ed kids in Brooklyn, if you're going to bring on the pervert mustache, just suck it up and go full pervert like our good friend, Jesse. THIS is not ironic:

** Cable's new album The Failed Convict is out August 18th on The End Records. Pre-order a copy here.

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